


Moaning Myrtle's Advice Column

by Chelonie



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bad Advice, Bad Humor, Book 1: Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, Crack, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, School Newspaper, agony aunt, moaning myrtle gives terrible advice, not a re-write, she is rather fixated on death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-29
Updated: 2019-07-05
Packaged: 2019-10-04 19:20:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17310389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chelonie/pseuds/Chelonie
Summary: The Hogwarts Herald is the school newspaper for the premier wizarding school in Britain. Its contributors include Staff, Students, Portraits, and of course, Ghosts.The regular ‘Agony Aunt’ column is authored by Myrtle Warren, commonly known to the students as Moaning Myrtle. Myrtle reserves the right to edit her columns to keep all persons mentioned anonymous.





	1. Philosopher's Stone part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sort of vaguely going on one question per chapter, starting from Philosopher's Stone

Dear Moaning Myrtle,

~~~~~~That old coot~~ My distinguished colleague wants to leave a defenceless child with the worst sort of Muggles and thinks it’s all for the best? Is he right?

\- Catnip Addict

 

Dear Addict,

Of course he’s right! After all, the child isn’t really defenceless, is he? He will no doubt put on a burst of accidental magic and kill them all, and won’t that be fun?

\- Myrtle

* * *

Dear Mirtel,

I found ~~Harry~~  [the boy I was sent after] on a small shack on an iland off the coast, where the muggles were hiding from his Hogwarts letters, and them muggles didn’t even tell him about his parents! About You-Know-Who! About magic! I’m jes so mad I could do - er, never mind. I didn’t do no cursing, what with not being allowd to do magic meself.

\- Pink Umbrella

 

Dear Umbrella,

Since you didn’t ask a question, I think I’ll just guess. You want to know if you were right to curse them all to slow deaths by starvation by sinking the boat that would have taken them back to shore. Since it would be a matter of simplicity to sink a boat even without magic, you would get in no trouble at all! So I’m glad you did that. Now your friend never has to go back there again!

\- Myrtle

* * *

Dear Moaning Myrtle,

Why shouldn’t first years be able to have brooms? It’s not fair at all!

\- My father will hear about this!

 

Dear MFWHAT,

I agree with you completely. In fact, the school should provide all first years with the latest model of racing broom for all students. Ooooh! Just imagine all the new ghosts there would be if firsties learned to fly on Nimbus 2000s instead of old Shooting Stars! It would be glorious!

\- Myrtle

* * *

Dear Moaning Myrtle,

I have to spend all of my time as ~~a rat~~ an animal after faking my own death, and now my "owner" is trying to turn me yellow with a hand-me-down wand! Doesn't he know how dangerous that is? Anything could happen!

\- The Last Marauder

 

Dear Marauder,

Why fake your own death, when you could have an actual death? Real deaths are much more authentic, and I am quite sure that ghosts cannot be put in Azkaban. 

-Myrtle

* * *

 

Dear Moaning Myrtle,

My brothers said I had to wrestle a troll to get sorted, so I'm kind of terrified. What should I do?

-Youngest son

 

Dear Youngest,

I can promise no troll for the sorting, but no worries! You will get to wrestle a troll before the year is out, and maybe you'll die!

-Myrtle

* * *

 

Dear Moaning Myrtle,

How do I get people to stop STARING AT ME?! And my stupid ~~scar~~  [identifying feature]!

\- Rather Have Parents

 

Dear Rather,

Show them all you are just like everyone else. Don’t do anything out of the ordinary like defeat You-Know-Who _again_ , or even become a Quidditch star. Try and keep your grades in the middle of the pack. Then, if you can manage it, try and arrange for someone else you know to do something famous (or infamous). The public is terribly fickle. They’ll drop you like a hot potato if there’s a new thing going. Do you know anyone who is dying to make a name for themselves? Maybe you can coax them into becoming a great hero (or villain) in your place. If nothing else works, arrange to be murdered. No one pays us ghosts much attention at all!

-Myrtle

* * *

Dear Moaning Myrtle,

~~Professor Snape~~  [One of the Professors] kept calling on another student today even though I had my hand up the whole time! Is it because I’m muggleborn? Or a girl? Or because I didn’t survive ~~a killing curse~~  [unspecified dark magic] when I was ~~one~~  [younger]?

\- Muggleborn Bookworm

 

Dear Bookworm,

At some point in everyone’s life (or death), we all have to learn that some people are just arseholes and it’s not worthwhile to spend time trying to coax them into liking you. It isn’t a fault in you, it’s a fault in them. (I _might_ be referring to someone whose name rhymes with _Lay Grady.)_ Your options are: ignoring them, biding your time and waiting for vengeance, or murder. Choose well young bookworm.

\- Myrtle

* * *

Dear Nice Lady,

I is sposed to guard something, but I need walkies!

\- 3 heads are better

 

Dear 3,

Oh Merlin, I didn't even _take_ Care of Magical Creatures, but even I know that ~~Cerebi~~  [large canines] can't stay in a small room all day! Tell you what, ~~Peeves and I~~  [two of the Hogwarts supernaturals] will unlock the door and you make a run for it. If anyone goes near the ~~trapdoor~~ [you-know-what], we'll set up an alarm. Be sure and leave a triple-sized poopsie right in front of the Great Hall! 

\- Myrtle

* * *

 

 


	2. Philosopher's Stone part 2

Dear Miss Warren,

I find myself in a bit of a quandary. I am trying to curse ~~Harry Potter's~~ [a student's] broom to send them to their death, but someone else seems to be able to countercurse just as deftly. How am I possibly to kill this troublesome orphan for my Master?

Regards,

Double Q

 

Dear Double Q,

Perhaps murder in a highly public place was not your best decision. Have you considered just giving the child a detention and cursing him when you're alone with him? There's also poison in the chocolate frogs, pushing him off a staircase, drowning in the Prefects Bath, knocking him over the head with a brick... lots of murder opportunities are available in this castle for the determined practitioner of the arts! Do I detect some resistance to the idea, Professor Q?

-Myrtle

* * *

 

Dear Myrtle,

 ~~Dumbledore~~ [One of the staff] tricked me into telling him my deepest desires, but when I asked for his, he said he wanted socks. I think he was fibbing! That's not fair!

-Mirror Fan

 

Dear Mirror Fan,

What that particular person sees in the Mirror is himself in the world's biggest candy store, with both muggle and magical candy. I know, because I've seen him drooling in front of it and trying to reach through the mirror while calling out "Mmm... jawbreakers... cream caramels... cherry sours... ice mice..." and so on. Usually by morning, he's chewed his beard to pieces and has to get Madam Pomphrey to regrow it for him before he can go to breakfast. Now you know.

-Myrtle

* * *

 

Dear Myrtle,

 ~~Hagrid~~ [A friend] has a dragon egg! He lives in a wooden house!

-I See Trouble

 

Dear Trouble,

You can get marshmallows by owl order! Enjoy the bonfire!

-Myrtle

* * *

 

Myrtle,

Mars is bright tonight.

- ~~Ronan~~ A centaur

 

Dear centaur,

Are you making fun of me because I didn't get my Astronomy OWL? I DIDN'T GET ANY OWLS! BECAUSE I DIED!

-Myrtle

* * *

 

Myrtle,

I have three really stupid friends who are about to go out and break rules tonight. Should I fight them?

-Not a Squib

 

Dear Not a Squib,

Three on one? Your odds don't sound good taking them head on. You'd be better off slipping laxative potion into their pumpkin juice. Then they won't be going anywhere.

-Myrtle

* * *

 

Dear Myrtle,

I just killed someone with my bare hands! I'm freaking out here! And everyone is cheering me on like I did a good thing! 

-First Year Murderer

 

Dear Murderer,

Welcome to the Dark Side! It's good to get your first one out of the way so young - they always say the first kill is the hardest. After this, it'll be much easier for you to do away with your enemies without feeling guilty about it. Maybe by Second Year you can work your way up to torture! Good luck!

-Myrtle

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harry: I killed someone.  
> Dumbledore: With the power of LUUURVE!  
> Harry: But... someone is dead, because of me...  
> Dumbledore: And all your friends send you candy to congratulate you!  
> Harry: I was always told murder was wrong. Is it not wrong in the magical world?  
> Dumbledore: Not if I say it's not.  
> Harry: What happened to the stone?  
> Dumbledore: Destroyed.  
> Harry: So that's two more people dead? Because of me?  
> Dumbledore: No, those two are on me. But you can feel guilty for them if you like.  
> Harry: I should probably get some therapy.  
> Dumbledore: And the House Cup for Excessive Rule Breaking and Gruesome Murder goes to.... Gryffindor!  
> Harry: ...  
> Hermione: ...  
> Neville: Don't look at me - I told you to stay in the Common Room.

**Author's Note:**

> I ~~might~~ will continue this ~~if there is interest~~ since I've gotten lots of encouragement! ^_^


End file.
